missing you

it is too far away

it is too expensive

why I can not visit you more easyly?

I am thinking and hoping

to see you all again

on the same time

my life here is too diffcult to go away

I miss you so much

I miss you all so strongly

I do not know why am I here in another peace of the world?

watching the picture and thinking of you all

hugging and missing you so much

happy bridge

YOU are the person who makes the decision to cross the happy bridge or not.

It is your way and choice, to go deeper or not to meet the god of truth.

It is YOU and nobody else.

It is YOUR life, and it is so wonderful.

(pic: "Kouhuku bashi" @ Fukushima, a north part of Japan. it means "happy bridge".)

inner mother

I feel often my "inner mother",

a voice who said again and again,

"it is not good enough".

Everything what I am doing could be better.

After every work, some other work what I could do is popping up in my mind.

critic

pressure

voice who knows much more than me what is better.

after years of work

I can use my critical voices more useful for me

and get more creative information through it.

but sometimes I wish

"please, just be quiet!"

it is enough.

I need more acceptance for what I am doing.

Please mom, say first

"good job!"

than,

you can tell me the next thing.

So I work and work and work hard

more and more,

try to be better

and still have the feeling

" I did nothing".

my inner mother is ancered so deeply inside me.

even I am sitting alone,

I am with my inner mother.

to stop this,

the silent meditation was too silent,

there was too much space for my inner mother's voice.

OSHO's meditation was helpful

it brought me out from this spiral

my body was more busy for shaking and dancing and screaming

after that, the silent arrived.

finally, I could feel peace.

and me?

as a mother?

I realize the inner mother in my son

more and more

this is me and this is not me.

I wish so much to avoid creating more inner mother inside my son but it is so difficult

and how can I stop it before I get free from mine??

relationships

relationships is a pipeline to feel warmth and connection to the others.

relationships can be also very painful and difficult.

I have both kind of relationships, oh yes, I do!

and how much I have! both of them!

but I know, it is not black and white.

we can feel and life this two different energy in the same time.

and THAT makes our life so interesting, so deep and complicated!

without THAT, it will be flat and boring.

nice and safe but like a plastic.

Depends your decision in that moment,

you can make your moment so juicy or so dry.

It is just your decision.

cheers for human being.

let me cry

If the pain is not giving enough space,

it turns to anger.

And it will fight for making space for the pain.

Why it is so painful?

Because I truted you.

I believed in you.

I gave you so much from me.

I gave you too much from me.

Much more than, what I could give you.

Disappointed, sad and painful

to realize,

that I saw you in the way

how I wanted to see you.

I gave you so much,

because I wanted so much.

I was blind,

I could not see it then.

After soo long time

after everything is now broken

and nothing is left

I can see it.

It is so painful.

It is so sad.

What I can do now is to cry for the pain

and welcome the new point of view.

let me cry

let me cry

let me be angry

let me be angry with me.

let me cry first

than, tomorrow

I can come back to me and to my power.

but just now...

let me cry

the beauty of life

in every moment, what ever kind of moment

it is OK how it is

I know, this moment is happening

because it has some special meaning.

Nothing is no-meaning

and everything is no-meaning.

In the different moments with different emotions,

pararell to it deep deep underneath

I feel some water flowing

the water's wave is shining and make curves

the flow of life

it is so beautiful

it is just beautiful.